Because so much has been said and written about many women’s notoriously low libido and/or inability to get an orgasm, it is inconceivable that there are perfectly healthy women with sexual desire even higher than that of their husbands.
There is very little research on this phenomenon – thanks to deep-seated stereotypes – but lots of information about women’s sexual inadequacies. One can be forgiven for grabbing those stereotypes and running with them, but now educate yourself better.
It is why men in long-distance relationships will often cheat, blaming their masculinity and thus ‘need to have sex regularly’, but blow a gasket when they hear that their wives are equally flawed. It is why a polygamous man will have wives in the double-digits, and expect every last one of them to wait for when and how he wants to enjoy his exclusive conjugal rights, to switch her libido on.
“But she is a woman! She should respect herself,” one husband working in Europe, whose colleagues reported was more or less married there, once called me upon hearing that his wife was often seen in the company of another man. It is only on few occasions that I have been totally lost for words, and this was one of them.
He had been gone six years without visiting Uganda, and reportedly had a steady supply of sex when he needed it, but could not stomach the thought of his wife having similar needs and temptations. Not to condone infidelity on either side; all I am saying is, it is time we ditched the stereotypes.
Women are not the same, sexually. Stop, already. Just like, not all men cheat (this is the one women don’t believe. I can almost hear their snorts.)
Look, there are women with a high libido that would leave many men eating their dust were it a race. The inability of men to understand this is also cause for much marital discord and growing sexual networks.
In his book, Becoming One, American marriage counsellor and psychologist Joe Beam wrote that one husband went to him complaining that his wife was possibly a nymphomaniac, because she wanted sex more often than he did. Beam had to explain to him that his ‘problem’ was not a problem at all.
Even in Uganda, a woman with high sexual interest is frowned upon as ‘promiscuous’, yet ironically, she is the one whose body possibly functions optimally. She is in touch with her senses, neural ‘wiring’ and mental connection to everything, as opposed to many broken, abused, uncomfortable-in-their-bodies women, struggling to fit into their marriages.
So, sir, when you cheat and take care of your ‘intense sexual urges’ just because your wife is indisposed or far away, do you ever allow yourself to think of her as perfectly healthy, with sexual urges just as strong, or stronger than yours? Some such wives are very disciplined, despite their high libidos – I know one; others feel their husbands have not given them enough reason to tough it out – I know three.
And let me tell you, hell hath no fury like a wife whose sexual interest is really high, but feels neglected or dissatisfied in that department. But because many husbands are clueless, they only keep complaining to the family pastor about ‘Namu is so quarrelsome lately!’
‘Asiimwe gives me the haughty eye all the time.’ ‘Why is my wife so demanding sexually? She must have a demon of lust!’ No, bambi. You need to read the signs correctly and up your game or find ways of striking a compromise.
You can’t go into your silent-me-time mode (which most wives interpret as angry or grumpy) for weeks on end and let your wife sit on dynamite and pray it does not explode! If yours is a long-distance marriage, lead each other not into temptation; have regular reunions to defrost things and detonate ticking bombs.
But what happens in many long-distance marriages, is for the man to start a life with a ‘dangerous substitute’ wherever he is, and expect his wife to retreat into sexual hibernation; after all, she is a woman. Hmmmm!
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